This blog is the natural progression from 'Mi Historia' my story. An egg donation process from beginning to poetic end, a beautiful spanish dream that turned into a reality. Being a mother, a whole new experience, the feelings changing, surges of emotion that unless one has been a mother can't really understand, but added to that whole cooking pot of love add a pinch of 'wonder'.
'What does the future hold for my daughter, what will she feel about her coming to be?'
'What about the donor and her family?'
I have images in my head of a Spanish family, a large one, the donor the youngest daughter, the mother a welcoming large spanish lady who is wanting to give love to a grandchild.
I can't help it.
She is my daughter without a doubt, but the 'wonder' I experience almost daily, it is not too uncomfortable, but occassionally brings on a wave of sadness for her more than me. The fact that her eyes are a cavern of darkness, beautifully transfixing and alert darting around her surroundings and something everyone comments on and then there is G and I whose eyes seem bluer than ever a constant reminder for me that I am one of the luckiest people alive to of been given this beautiful girl but also that she has roots elsewhere.
P sucks her thumb 'Did the donor suck her thumb?'
It really doesn't matter she is 'P' she is her own person, but there is a small part of me that wishes I could introduce her to the woman who gave me the opportunity to have her.
Apparently genetics is only 20% responsible for the personality of a person, but like the flickering flame of the candles I lit in hope of becoming a mother, that 20% is there in the basement of my mind.
I just feel there is a whole other adventure after the birth of an ED child, the biggest adventure is becoming pregnant and the anticipation of holding that special person in your arms and then the unbound joy of finally having them but then there is the next chapter.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing, I am already forgetting the trauma of the birth and eager to plan another baby in a couple of years time at the same clinic in Spain, but this also is tinged with a small sadness of the fact that P will not have a completely genetic sibling as we are not sure the donor will donate to us again and also we have no little frosties waiting to be warmed into being, P was a miracle that came to us through prayers to the universe to bless my radioactive uterus, but she was to come alone. G obviously will play his part again and if we are lucky enough to have another chance, they would be half genetically linked.
I can't tell you how happy I am though, everyone comments on how happy and well I look, I do feel complete, but feel it is important to recognise the complex feelings involved in being a mother to an ED child, not everyone will feel the same as me, some may notcast it a thought, it's not horrible it's not depressing it's like a beautiful question mark covered with fluffy love and hanging in a closet in her bedroom, cloaked in possibilities of visiting far flung shores ingesting other cultures to fill in tiny gaps.
So this blog may take me down lots of different avenues and back streets of my mind and will be cathartic to see it all in black and white.
x
