You know that baby..............?

I have been mulling over things in my mind (always a danger that).



P is just so much part of our lives now and is our child that I almost feel a little bit silly not being so open with all of my friends about her origins.



We are off to a gathering of friends tomorrow and as baby P grows it is more obvious that her beautiful eyes are nothing like her parents. I just feel no shame in saying that she was an egg donation child, and while initially I was going to wait until she knew I feel that everyone should know, that it is actually a real gift and we should be more open about it. The longer it goes on the more I feel I should be shouting from the roof tops!

She is gorgeous of course she is, she is a very special baby, and I feel that all those close to us should know how truly special she is. I have to say I don't hardly cast the genetics a thought as much as when she was first born, I think it was at the fore front almost everyday, but now she is just our baby P, and I think those around me know her as our baby P too, she is our baby.

www.linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S001502820503983X a piece on the effects on the social and emotional development of egg donation children. ( hope the link works I am crap at these things).

Cling on

So today I have root canal work......niiiice and consequently I have to find a baby sitter, this obviously the first situation of many no doubt.

Even with my mother she clings to me, screaming the place down if I leave her in the arms of even her granny who has calmed many a screaming bairn in her time. For some reason she is the only one I don't feel so bad about exposing to the wrath of baby P though, but for the first time today, my mum is unavailable and so the quest began, baby Ps aunt also unavailable and grand dads, both, errr no and so Gs fathers partner took the gauntlet.

I felt terrible knowing the distress P was going to endure but also knew she has to get used to others. I fear I have made her this way, cuddled her one too many time, never letting her go almost as if I did she would disappear in a puff of smoke as if she had been a figment of my desperate imagination to have a child. crazy I know I am sure having spoken to a few people that clingy first borns are not a rare thing, but I can't help thinking perhaps the whole need for a child and IVF process has entered my pysche to let loose some kind of paranoia.

I am not too worried and am going to try and remember to hand P over to others in the hope she will get used to new smells and faces. Obviously I enjoy the fact she needs me but know it could lead to a rod for my own back, but she is four months old, four tiny months I guess I will make the most of the cuddles as I am sure before I know it she will locking herself in her room in an attempt to be as far away as possible in ateenage strop.

I still look in the mirror holding her and feel a twinge of sadness that she looks nothing like me except for the dark hair, but the feeling is lessening and being replaced with 'thats me and my P'

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As motherhood continues for me not a day goes where I don't tell myself how lucky I am, and more and more baby P is my daughter, despite being an egg donation child she really does feel like she is my daughter and she is her own person.

I love her so much, she is showered with a million kisses everyday (and I was going to be a real 'put her down let her be independent' mother and I can't stop cuddling her!)
She is four months.

People do ask 'So who does she look like do you think?'

I have learnt to just shrug and say 'Well I think she looks like G' (dad)

They will all know after I tell P of her roots but until then it is irrelevant right now.

She will always know how special she is though I do just feel like P's mother with all the worries, fears and incredible love that, that entails.











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Being an ED mother

This blog is the natural progression from 'Mi Historia' my story. An egg donation process from beginning to poetic end, a beautiful spanish dream that turned into a reality. Being a mother, a whole new experience, the feelings changing, surges of emotion that unless one has been a mother can't really understand, but added to that whole cooking pot of love add a pinch of 'wonder'.

'What does the future hold for my daughter, what will she feel about her coming to be?'

'What about the donor and her family?'

I have images in my head of a Spanish family, a large one, the donor the youngest daughter, the mother a welcoming large spanish lady who is wanting to give love to a grandchild.

I can't help it.

She is my daughter without a doubt, but the 'wonder' I experience almost daily, it is not too uncomfortable, but occassionally brings on a wave of sadness for her more than me. The fact that her eyes are a cavern of darkness, beautifully transfixing and alert darting around her surroundings and something everyone comments on and then there is G and I whose eyes seem bluer than ever a constant reminder for me that I am one of the luckiest people alive to of been given this beautiful girl but also that she has roots elsewhere.

P sucks her thumb 'Did the donor suck her thumb?'

It really doesn't matter she is 'P' she is her own person, but there is a small part of me that wishes I could introduce her to the woman who gave me the opportunity to have her.

Apparently genetics is only 20% responsible for the personality of a person, but like the flickering flame of the candles I lit in hope of becoming a mother, that 20% is there in the basement of my mind.

I just feel there is a whole other adventure after the birth of an ED child, the biggest adventure is becoming pregnant and the anticipation of holding that special person in your arms and then the unbound joy of finally having them but then there is the next chapter.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing, I am already forgetting the trauma of the birth and eager to plan another baby in a couple of years time at the same clinic in Spain, but this also is tinged with a small sadness of the fact that P will not have a completely genetic sibling as we are not sure the donor will donate to us again and also we have no little frosties waiting to be warmed into being, P was a miracle that came to us through prayers to the universe to bless my radioactive uterus, but she was to come alone. G obviously will play his part again and if we are lucky enough to have another chance, they would be half genetically linked.

I can't tell you how happy I am though, everyone comments on how happy and well I look, I do feel complete, but feel it is important to recognise the complex feelings involved in being a mother to an ED child, not everyone will feel the same as me, some may notcast it a thought, it's not horrible it's not depressing it's like a beautiful question mark covered with fluffy love and hanging in a closet in her bedroom, cloaked in possibilities of visiting far flung shores ingesting other cultures to fill in tiny gaps.

So this blog may take me down lots of different avenues and back streets of my mind and will be cathartic to see it all in black and white.

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